Connections

Why is it so hard?

We have lost connections.  In the past, small communities were filled with generations of connections.  My Dad went to school with your mom. My uncle helped put the roof on your sister’s house.  Very few of us
function this way in life any more.

More of us are living in cities now than ever before.  The draw of the city is powerful.  Jobs, college, meeting new people, seeing new places is intoxicating.

I felt that pull.  I was ready to leave my small town for college somewhere far away.  Many of us feel the pull to leave and make our own path.

As we move around and find our way, it may become harder to find people to be with.

Where do we go to find connections?  Statistics show that loneliness is on the rise.  Social connections are difficult. We can’t seem to put our relationships at the top of the list. Can online communities provide the support and antidote to loneliness that in person social time provides?  We see people on social media, and that can establish friendships.  I have found that sometimes our lives are not woven as messily over zoom as in person relationships allow.  And sometimes we can show up and be real there.

The gift of messy presence.   Offering up our raw, unfiltered selves in hopes of really being seen.  Do we want this?  I think I do.  And then I go for weeks without talking to my friends.

So why don’t I connect?

Why do I hide myself in busyness, in distraction, in more important “work”?


Are we losing the capacity to sit with each other and listen?  Are we so busy scrolling that we are afraid to tell someone what is going on with us?

What are my top 2 feelings right now?  What feelings are driving your day?  Fear?  Shame? Love?  Maybe it is hard to connect because we are disconnected from ourselves?

Could it be that I am so busy avoiding my feelings that I can’t find a way to set aside time to listen to yours?  I am sifting this through for myself.  Am I afraid to be with you and have a real connection because I am afraid to be with myself?  When I am quiet, things bubble up that I push back down?  

Could it be that I am so busy avoiding my feelings that I can’t find a way to set aside time to listen to yours?  

One of my favorite connections lately is over zoom.  I get to meet once a week with some really wise and wonderful women. We talked last week about our coping habits. The ways I feel fear and then actions that appear when we are feeling strong feelings. And in that moment I have a very hard time looking for the need that the person in front of me is dealing with. I am not tuned in to my needs so I can’t tune in to anyone else’s.

I find I need time and space to process my emotions.  When I do not give this to myself, I start to feel a deep weariness and it comes out as either a form of anger or just some kind of “distaste” about everything.  Kind of a crabby critic of my own life.  “Well, that’s not going to happen,” response to everything.

Somehow I have a strange belief that I can meet with people, “when I’m ready.”  Or I’ll check in with people, “After the birthday” or “later this month”.  Then this does not happen.  I approach the friends and family I hold dear as if they are a favorite museum and library I hope to see, instead of the lifeline I so desperately need.  Why do I put visiting with people on the back burner?  Like a home repair project I’ll get to next month?

Is it so difficult now after all we have been through with forced isolation?  Did covid teach us to separate and we have never come back together?

Or could it be that the places I am afraid of are the places that provide the authentic heavy lifting for real connection?  What if when I share my weakness, my failures, my fears then you are able to share yours?
Am I willing to be vulnerable and risk in order to have the connection I know I need?  Are you?


How do I want to show up?  How can I become the person who appreciates other people and who takes the time to sit with my own stuff?  It is a process that takes time.  I can journal and take a walk and listen to music. I am slowly learning how to give myself kindness and support. As I grow in this it is overflowing to people around me.

My attitude is changing.  I am starting to expect good things instead of creating the worst case scenario every time.  When I bring this energy to  my day and to my interactions I start to feel more interested and curious.

I am finding my days are lighter when I decide to look for things that are beautiful.  Things that delight me and just make me smile.  Like the sky on my drive to work, or beautiful flowers or a sculpture on my walk.  If I slow myself down, I can notice and enjoy simple things around me.  This waters the garden in my heart. This is the best way I can describe the space inside that is just for me.  A space I can find peace.  I have had seasons where I neglected this garden within me and I paid a price physically and mentally.

Somehow it feels a little selfish to take the time I need to process my life.  At the same time, I can see the good results when I do it.  I am teaching myself to “do the next thing” and not overthink.  My days are starting to look more and more like a life I want to show up for.

Whatever season we are in, we can begin. We can ask ourselves “what do I want”?  And stay with ourselves to find the answers.  

Leave a comment below. It would be good to sift through this with you.

Here’s to more connections this week.

P.S.  In writing this piece, I was able to connect with my online writing group that I miss. Who will you connect with this week?